Friday, August 31, 2012

I know

I know today calls for a celebration.
It's your Dad's birthday
a milestone of national pride
as the day a nation was reborn.

I wish him good health and happy life,
you, a bright and happy future,
and Malaysia safe on it's journey.

if you wish to know, my email remains the same,
still open and has not been deleted.
Since the boundary has been set,
there is no worry on either side.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

accident i never told you.

It was a fine morning
quite sometimes ago
before the little one appeared.

It was Saturday
a normal day for  golfing.
There was a junction in Bangi
that I had to take a right turn.

It was green my way
but a car accelerated through his red
and we met in the middle.

Til today
I had a little iron piece
at lower left thigh.
I was off for a month.
Now, it still hurts a little.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

media brother

He is a funny one
taking the route none of us are familiar with.
His showmanship leanings really shines
and his current involvement
with productions is awesome.

I support him whatever I can
but never get involved deeper than necessary.

and he has the talent of your musical / medical brother!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

little sister

she is extremely cheerful these days
that one day I had to ask.

I noticed happiness in her eyes
that I have to have lunch with both of them.

A fine young man from her varsity days
very quiet, and yet with ever smiling mannerism.

and I know they are now hooked

Monday, August 27, 2012

for you.

I don't expect you
to keep coming
and visiting this blog
now that you are ready
to chart a new chapter
of your life.

To keep coming back
to view the little tips,
certain perspective,
probably different
from anyone you know,
that can't be bad.

To understand boundary
within which we enjoy freedom
always contained
will refrain us from going astray

To see things
and appreciate
the ripples that
may develop into
a massive tsunami
is a sane thing to do

To keep giving
not expecting returns
is a funny perspective
to have a touch.

to change route
a different route
taking us somewhere
is an alternative
worth trying.

and finally maintaining
a balanced figure
so that the white gown
will stay sweet and upright
is something you should do

always remember
about the sweet princess
in you.

Sunday, August 26, 2012


whenever I am home
the little one will never leave me.
and I feel the same, not wanting to leave her.

and now she wants to follow me everywhere.

I noticed too that she had a few moods in her.
She is fairly expressive
on things that she wants and loves.
She is also quite expressive
on things she cant get or not allowed.
There is that little sweet tantrum in her.
I wonder where she picked that from.

She used to cry
seeing me with different attire
early in the morning ready for golf.
Now she doesn't seem to bother
about the short vacuum
of me leaving for golf over weekends.

I noticed too
that every time she holds on to me
it's my right little finger that she keeps
hanging on to.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

a stop

I will always
make a point whenever
I get to cross the hills to Kelantan by road
there would be a brief stop
off the road at Kg B. Baru.

There would always be a moment
for a short prayer
while breathing the sweet air.

I noticed new buildings appearing nearby.

Friday, August 24, 2012


the other day i went over
for a two day stop
breathing the air of Sabah.

Hah, Albert has enough in hand
the little ones keep appearing
year after year
and now almost like a train.

and I keep doing the same thing
coming home to celebrate
the new birth
with a pile of pampers.

to their little ones
I am their Acik.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

a laugh

I was laughing at myself
for not understanding
what the little one was asking.

She had train of thoughts
and I had not the capacity
to break thoughts into meaning

and I just laugh
at myself
for not comprehending her own
avalanche of words and thoughts.

She is bright.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

harden with scars

Too many emotional scars
had shown the effect on me
that within my tough parameters
I sometimes succumb to self pity

the little one is growing well
on my laps
learning about the beautiful life
while I am trying so hard
to suppress the brutal scars
I had been suffering
over years of uncertainty and injury

I dont know my dear
if the sacrifice is worthwhile
allowing a happy facade to shine
and collecting all scars to shun

I am learning
I am inching
and the little eyes
keep watching over me
and the little hands
keep holding onto me.

The old scars had hardened
I will nurse everything myself.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

a talk

i was being playful
that day.

the little eyes was happy
she was saying a thousand words
I can only understand 5 words

I have to wait longer
to understand her words
i know she had the talent
to connect words beautifully
almost like melody

somehow i understand her eyes better
a lot better than the words....
I wouldn't know if she can reciprocate
by reading my eyes, my mind and soul

and I wouldn't wish that she can explore
beyond the boundary.
and I really tried to hide
all scars within me.

You will soon play with your little one too my dearest.

a perfect day

always about the lovely eyes
looking around
learning about new  things
and the little soft lips
uttering little words.

she will always be the centre of things
around us
bringing us closer
which I can never do on my own

I started the second phase of life
with nonchalant mood
not allowing myself to be free
always attaching myself with the other world

It's the other world
that will in the end bring tremendous unhappiness
at a critical phase when the chain is freed
and yet freedom is not coming

I am guilty to a point
for allowing myself the luxury
of putting both worlds at a level
of equal importance and validity.

But for life is multiple
junctions radiate into four or five
with one leg on one side
the other on different side
it is never easy to keep going.

How i wish to hold on to both worlds
of equal importance
how i talk to the little eyes
and the little fingers keep holding
on to my bigger fingers
on a perfect day.

You will have your perfect day too
my dearest.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Airport again

The other day
I was rushing
with bag over the shoulder

I was watching the glass panel
of KLIA level 5.

I smiled.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

the little eyes

she was sitting in my lap
playing with her fingers
she looked into me
and i wonder if she
saw multiple images
of ummi and mama
and ayah.

She learned quick
of things, mood and emotions.
She has her mother's beauty
and my exploratory mind.
She has a soul closer to mine
and yet with serenity of her ummi.

I can be very secretive
but somehow I am  always frank
as much as my eyes can talk
as much as my lips stay shut.

I love to see the naughtiness in her
ever inquisitive
wanting to know more than
she can comprehend

she had bought my soul.
the little eyes
the little one.

selamat hari raya, maaf zahir batin. 
Again, I am happy for you dearest.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

a card

Selamat menyambut Hari Raya Aidil Fitri,  disamping keluarga dan juga yang tersayang. Kehadiran anda memberi cahaya ukhwah penyatuan.  Kita penuhi bulan Ramadan dengan keinsafan, mengenai  kewujudan kita di celah keluarga dan masyarakat yang lebih besar. Semoga kita dilindungi dan beroleh keberkatan.

Her mother bought tiny blue baju kurung for the little one.  She had modeled around happily. My time was so packed that I didn't do much every Raya. Her mother selected a few, blue, red, and purple tiny kurung plus other dresses. What did I get for myself?..... None, her mother selected a few baju and that's it.  Once or twice she did mention about the way I handle things.  She was sad, that I didn't really change. Office and home almost the same. She is still  my staff and my sister's childhood friend.  There is that little difficulty in me to turn around and behave differently. No matter what, she remains the little girl mother. For that I really have to look after her as best as I can. I don't want her to continue living in a vacuum  of her own. There is something extra that she been waiting and I on the other hand had not tried hard enough. To a point, I feel quite guilty.
and for you, I wish all luck. give everything you have and keep strengthening the loving bond to the end. He needs you as much as you need him.

Maaf Zahir dan Batin

Friday, August 17, 2012

Now that you are ready

Sadness in me had gone completely
as I keep checking the smile in you
with every detail of happiness you are radiating
and I know you are alright

Realising the burden you keep hanging on
and me less than perfect not to hurt
and for equally exposed terribly to difficult times
of emotional pain and visible scars.

You have taken months
I have taken years
to emphasise that time is endless
and how would we react
as you  would surely recognise my words
and laughters
as I call you
within the large crowd
when we thought we had completely forgotten
of things that had happened.

How I wish to say it a million times
that happiness is truest
when happiness heaps on happiness
building up a mountain
so momentous
so victorious.

and now I am happy for you, dearest.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Sharing a little bit of me.

How come?....
I ask myself
as we make our first million
through collective efforts among comrades

Albert was forever nice
even then, to bring us all down
to the earthly earth
about being righteous and sane.

I was less than perfect then
for limping against many years
of treating emotional pain and scars
myself, my way.

To think about it objectively
I assume full responsibility
that i could easily had gone the other way
being less earthly than i should
and flow along the tides or down the drain.

It falls onto that little signal
that we are made to survive against all odds
as we keep believing in God.

Even being harden by events
I never wish to see such repeats
for I never can confirm 
that I am able to handle myself
within the facade of ownself.
against avalanche of time
hitting again and again.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Journey of a tough life

It was years back
that i have to walk alone
collecting every bit of sense
trying hard to stay composed and sane

It was in the circle of friends
that we embarked on momentous journey
understanding every detail of market forces

and we were a bunch of  innocent young men then

it must be a wonder even then
how we manage to play along
a journey of seeing community in its imperfections
and to a point we thought making money is never free of sins

But its heart breaking to learn
that many benefit from the endeavor we took
creating opportunities for us and all
and it was made so clear that zero sum game applies
when the amount we create equals to the amount we gave
for business to behave like a poetic dream.

It all boils down to
what we want
what we strive for
what we create
what we get
what we share

in the end
all goes back to the larger community.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A reminder

erase worries completely
about my presence
which never seems to fade
but it is meant to be most harmless
for whatever I write here
is constant reminder
to be mindful about life
and to be less hard on objectivity
because after a while
we may realise that life
is a journey full of multiplicity

I was astonished the other day
over in Rohingya region
about life being shredded to pieces
because some play along objectivity too hard
even to the point that there is no room
for sanity.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Past and Future

Please take care of yourself and have a good life ahead with your family . I wish you the best in life.xxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxx .May God bless you always. xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx xxxx. Only they never know who you are.xxxx xxxx xxxx. Life must go on. Thank you for the help, advices, the time and the friendship. Goodbye. Assalamualaikum.

Don't feel alarmed by the excerpts above. Some parts are erased.  It's just the way things evolved through the years. We may keep wondering and pondering for exactness of answer.  The answer is not in a sentence my dear, not even in a paragraph. It is within the richness of life, in each one of us. It will provide milestones within the long journey each one of us has to take. There will always be fairness somewhere my dear, only that it seldom appear in real magic number. Life will oscillate with all urgency, not for exactness, never for precision, always with manageable momentum.

I appreciate the necessity for a true full stop on your side, to end a sentence. But given time, the sentence will continue longer that what you can imagine. I am happy for you now that you are able to pick the pen and continue writing a much longer paragraph. Judging by your shining smile, you have picked up the momentum to chart your future. 

I am still the same person, now with much bigger responsibility with the little sweet eyes and her mother and the ever demanding job. One thing I keep on doing is to keep helping the needy ones. I didn't realise that tears flow down my cheek during the recent  community enhancement engagement we embarked on with the Rohingya.  I cant never imagine the magnitude of helplessness there.

I felt so guilty early on about injustice and imbalance of wealth. Now it slowly dawns on me that the whole game is centered on the lucky ones helping the less lucky ones. Then there would be some equilibrium on earth.

You remember the little chalet development over Manjung?.... yeap, it's a real retreat whenever I get there bringing me back to the reality of ruralness. I can smell the earth and salty breezy air.  I even teach the little one about the name of flowers and trees. The oil palm over in Teluk Intan  is self funding now with a bit of profit saved aside. The tourism adventure with Filipino friends are taking a different turn now, with more local people roped in to run the ever increasing development.  I will be back there next month. The oil and gas venture is taking all of us on a different route, more political than business......  Dad's construction business is picking up well. I am quite relieved when the younger sister is ready to come in and help out lots of things. I cant do so many things, and at times the volume and phase is really killing. The little eyes's mother is always in the office managing the whole financial matter, whereas I am always on the move.....  the chain of "kedai ubat" is more or less left to the younger team.........

My dear, I am happy for you. As I told you many times before, your pleasant presence will be felt by many around you. Cheers!!!.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

purple, a colour

a colour
to remember
because it is royal
perfecting your ambiance
in a migratory projectile
that will take you far
and will land soft
never injured.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

knock and knock

it's a knock,
about a signal
that will trigger
something else to roll and flow.

a knock is a comma,
never a full stop
and knowing you
I have no doubt
about you doing the easy thing
knocking your inner self
in time of trouble
and sadness.

Now that you have gone out of the shell
putting strength onto yourself
releasing emotional colours with radiance
to recap what's had been missing
within the reality of living.

you will be alright.

Friday, August 10, 2012


just wondering as i blink
through the coolest part of night,
if they really think 
that I will do the unthinkable
to expose what is meant to be secret.

For a memory, half-done or sketchy
it never cross my mind to erase it
or to spoil it
or to pour black paint.
or to put a gloomy disgrace

I appreciate both extremes
sojourn and serene.
as components of portrait

and as much as I treasure the sweet moments of many years
never will I spoil it with intentional black paint overflow
never will I expose what has been our safe-guarded secrets.

Believe me
and please go on with your future
without slightest doubt that I will dirty my hands
worry not, on me being so bad to tarnish
whatever has been royale, perfect and serene.

may god bless us all.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

breaking rules

when it's about integrity
we don't break rules.

remaining loyal
with strong convictions
that no matter how difficult the tide is
that no matter how heavy the burden is

we keep on holding to the agreement
to remain together
no matter what.

and in YOU
I have no doubt.

It's alright to smile
in happiness
except your extra weight
is beginning to show
through the slight chubbiness.
But it is alright.
Good Luck.

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

subdued purple

simplicity in imagination.

It's purple that struck my mind when I was asked which colour to choose. I don't wish to explore the negative mind that purple as colour has been subdued as complete as the RM1K. Nope, that can't be my intention of putting up purple as the theme of today.

It's about being objective in the most obscure instance when a decision is about to be made.  We just ask the inner self, or maybe there is no time available to arrange and choose. It's about being instantaneous, about split second decision that will see some patterns emerging.

It's purple being so royal that it fits
the princess in you.

and that will shine you further
as always
as much as I know you.

Tuesday, August 07, 2012


you are ready for the next turn of life
with doa
that everything will be fine
for years
and years

may god bless you and your new episode of life.
and don't assume I don't know the happy mood....

Monday, August 06, 2012

it was you

i was driving
that day
and i saw you.
you were holding
the steering
so tight you dont wish to release

and you look at the front
so focused
you dont wish to look around.

what a lady.....

olympics 2012

how i wish
to still be 21
to be involved with archery
representing school
representing the state
and eventually the country
to win medals
after medals
and get intoxicated with cheers

Sunday, August 05, 2012


I got to go far
for another mission
opening up space
bringing up opportunities
to more people than i knew

it's about bringing light to their lives
a thing i love to do
even though I sometimes failed
when it matters most.

It makes me sad
in heaps of happiness..
It also makes me happy
in the depth of sorrow.

Saturday, August 04, 2012

not harping on the past

i am not about to rewind
bringing past forward
rekindling memories
but comes Raya time
I cant help,
but remembering the first duit raya
it's much about the amount
it's more about the exactness of numbers
the factor of 25 and 5

Friday, August 03, 2012

anja, how's fasting

i wonder what you would be eating
for breaking the fast
and for closing down sahur.

it should be good for you
to put down weight a  bit
because you are a little bit chubby now.

Thursday, August 02, 2012

where are you

you would say the same
where are you
as i in the deepest of sorrow
would say where are you.
and I cant find you
even in happy mood.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012


without food for half a day
without drinks to lubricate
without you to talk and whisper
without you by my side
without you to walk through
without you to share
as little as a second.