privilege

a person  

with a blog
for her eyes
mind and heart





dienn..............

to turn back.

It goes by many names
in timeliness of lives.
call it archives, call it historical facts, call it past happenings.

Still the toughest point to ponder
is always about making sense of the whole thing.

I cant paint a picture better than nature,
my blue is always skewed towards purple
my reasoning can sometime borders absurdity
and for that I put myself less than perfect.

on an factual plateau,
I could never harm you even a little,
even if I could be misconstrued as being BAD.
so don't worry,

you recovered fast admittedly
you have settled down
probably better than what could have been
you will continue through the process
with many responsibilities in your bare hands,

to this far, things are alright
therefore syukur, alhamdulillah, thank God, Amin.


and of course now you can cook better
...... :)  beyond ayam kicap
and beyond kowteau upgrade
and make food licking good

and set  your dream right.
and see the dream through

and be happy....

It's not easy too on my part at the beginning
the worst is the lingering guilt feeling
for allowing another to go through desolate phase
while I was then coping through an unprecedented journey
and it took a number of years to sooth guilt feeling
and making the new journey workable..........

Yes, of course we keep looking back
to understand and give meanings to happenings.


and lastly

you know anything about GST?





............ dienn.

Ransom on lives

to hold

on something precious,
- a secret,
bringing lives into chaos
as humanity
sinks to the bottom of sanity.

a delicate sabotage of recent 370 flight,
viewed as package of strategies,
to tilt equilibrium,
on economic and security scales,
on egoistic venture too,
over blue water or red land......

and can the distinction appear clear
of economy, politics, and personal pursuit
to wipe all clean for survival.
I wouldn't know....

But my dear
I read what you wrote
over what you had been through.
Now that we are following certain Routes
in a way identical, and yet different.

It would be easy to let in
elements of remorse and vengeance
in routes we are taking.
But for safety of many
shall we let past be past
however bitter it could be.

For not letting myself be known after so many years,
beyond what you already knew
and what I had shared
however little, my dearest friend
- feelings, minds, and thoughts.
I seek apology, sorry...., if that is forever necessary


There were crossroads I had come across
and routes I had taken
that were not all sweet and rosy.
Believe me, we are in similar route now,
to be thankful with journey we are in
and the future that lies ahead.
from One and Only we should seek blessings.

to keep revisiting the past
may cause needless pain and sadness
but there are lessons all over
if we choose to do so........
and what I wrote and will write
which connects past, present and future
are not  meant to be hurting,
in fact to ensure some sense of sanity
Realism in the world we are living in.....
breaking dreams into some degree of reality.
both bearable and manageable
as we get on with friendship.


I can assure you
that I had never play ransom on lives.....




.................................... dienn.

On term and condition, fate twisting, hearts tearing.

.what i have said, told and reminded to you before.. i say it everytime...days,weeks and months.. untill i have to shut off everything.. and you know when.. and you know why.. you can't stop me from loving you once i said ''i love you''.. it's cruel... you have made a choice.. i don't want to say it many time.. coz it's hurt.. u hear me laugh..cheerful..like nothing happen.. but deep inside me.. you don't wanna know. i'm a good person.. i never hurt people.. i never get a chance to love people.. because i never let myself to be loved..suddenly i did.. for once in my life. i get to know you.. and i said ''i love you''.. are you sure you don't want to see me.. at least for real? you said before.. at least few times.. you refused.. my education.. i know what i want.. i am young woman now.. i can handle myself well now..i know i can do it.. young woman.. can you believe, u the first person who said that to me.. so much ''first time'' with you..and i am going to miss it.. you know what i like about you most..'' hati seni''.. have anyone ever said to you before? let me be the first one to say it to you.. i cry everytime i pray.. when i be alone.. and you can't stop me..again, it's cruel.. this is not like a traffic light.. go whenever the sign or light shows.. stop whenever it turns red.. this is about people hearts and feeling.. yours and mine i am not so sure about you.. you're a man.. man who rule.. and make decision.. you have to know that..everything is in your hand.. i may say it once.. just remember that.. As a young woman.. who have feeling..and crushed on you.. the one that say it out, admitted. she's in love with Kha.. of coz i can never accept.. what will happen soon..sorry to say..but i have to.. picturing you on big day, say someone else's name, declare she's going to be your wife.. and live with her forever..it's a final moment, you, say the word that can only say by you.. not your ayah or mak..or sisters and brothers..or other people..they can only ask you to do so.. but they cannot do it for you..only you abang..Kha.. and then you walk to a room, to meet your wife, soulmate, the one that you will live with forever.. and share everything on first time.. you kiss her forehead.. and the ring.. you hold her hand for a ring.. a witness of all.. and.. you will share your life, everything..every single thing.. with her.. and you cannot stop me from picturing that..or imagining something beyond that..you can't..coz it's cruel.. i may say it once.. sorry to say, it's just.. i never hide anything from you.. not even my feeling.. coz this might be the only time i have..the only chance i have.. i'm a young woman now.. her matuarity can handle herself well education is my priority.. whatever happen..Sorry this speech goes to Kha.. i miss you .. see you when i see you..assalamualaikum.

the many titles

I am accustomed to different names
acik to the little ones over the south china sea
alang to my own little team
and along to my other side
and ayah to my little one.

and you will soon get the many titles
my dearest.


PQ_______rs

THE VOICE , OVER AND EVER: picture of the week

is the facade you know
it's audible audio, not visible video
as I pushed through milik siapakah...
as I gasped over jangan tinggal daku...



we looked, not knowing
It's best that way.




__PQrs__

It's my turn to say

Lets stretch far back to early years
when we share moments to the depth of night
giving meaning to the reality of friendship
as an entity without form but substance.

It was the period when waiting is killing
as we began to explore the core and the circumference
undertanding the constraint and yet kept sailing
as I mentioned about the two names.

The peculiarity of twist of fate
putting mkckzpn and me in a soup hotter than fire
pushing myself to the brink of sanity
retreating for  solace in a far away place.



As the the trauma healed over time
there is need for new chapter
and in their hope for a repair
pushing myself into a bout of another despair

It was Lia and then sister's friend.
and they cant find a better chance
not understanding what's in my mind
as I nurse the cut my way, my own way

It was you my dearest
the dearest of friend
that rekindle the flame
that I thought had been dim, never fire.



_______ dienn _______
twisting fate, tearing hearts