The breath of our lives......

For the fact that I am not really into cars
I ended up owning a mini cooper
so small, so slight, yet can be so fast
but that accident, really thought me a lesson
at traffic light, it's wise to give extra second
just in case a crazy guy race-up through his red

I understand about their requirements
the process, the standards and all
on quality, i had been well exposed
during my days over land below the wind
teaming up a foreign company

with construction, plantations and health services
tourism, oil and gas as adds on
I wonder if I have the strength to retain some sense
on the ever demanding world of business.

I don't wish to fall as victim
of lavish interpretation of life
when extravagance nudge to a hole
of bottomless depth of craziness

I have seen it all in some friends
 forgetting that life is just temporary
neglecting the fact of needy souls
making companies where they are....

The fact that I continue writing
is to put some balance in the madhouse
as I give mind and soul, a healing
of brutality, and threats avalanche


I wanna stay cool and relax.
as quiet poet.... :)







........................... dienn.

Ummi ngajar ngaji

Aku sendiri lupa

sejak bila lienn belajar

sebut alif ba ta dan mengeja

tapi hari ini, Lienn dah baca juz pertama.

Ngaji, acara wajib  anak-anak dan ummi 

tiap-tiap lepas maghrib,  hari hari....

sebelum Lienn mula duduk belum berdiri

dan reti sebut dan baca macam anak kecil..

Tapi kini,

Lienn dah lancar,

dia sendiri call opah

bagitau "lienn dah baca Quran.."

rienn pula dah selesa sebut alif ba ta.....
 pelat cara dia, macam eliss juga...

aku jangka lienn akan khatam
dalam tempuh tidak lama, sekejap.
kerana dia bukan baca merangkak
dia baca dengan selesa, kenal huruf , baris dan rangkap.

..............................................dienn

the big sister

she had enough training

by the best mentor, ummi

having to put toys back

to where they come from.

It's about repetitive experience

over days and weeks

then experience turns into habits

and that's the way we grow.

and now 

she really behaves like big sister

getting rienn to put toys back

to where they come from.

and I always feel like laughing

as she helps rienn

and keeps saying

adik, simpan balik

nanti sepah

ummi marah

and she says that
in such jovial rhythmic manner
with eyes and lips, wide grinning.

_____dienn_____

I thought Lienn

We were playing with sticks
over shadows

and I thought about certain things
of zohor and asar
on shadowy space

and she was lucky then
to understand the most unsual
shadow of kabah.

oh lienn





............................dienn

serious, all of them.

indeed.

\/


\/


\/


\/


\/


\/


\/


\/



\/



\/



\/




\/



\/

photo replaced -  being respectful

\/


\/



\/





dienn.............................................................
[ next:  I will go, turn and turn from petrol kiosk]

looking far down

looking at the depth

at the bottom of things

where fundamental lies.

it's like attempts to understand

why things happen
within the company
within us

while doing so

we remain calm

critical

but sensible

and we always
look for that magical balance
between capacity, overhead cost and sales

dienn................................................

to turn back.

It goes by many names
in timeliness of lives.
call it archives, call it historical facts, call it past happenings.

Still the toughest point to ponder
is always about making sense of the whole thing.

I cant paint a picture better than nature,
my blue is always skewed towards purple
my reasoning can sometime borders absurdity
and for that I put myself less than perfect.

on an factual plateau,
I could never harm you even a little,
even if I could be misconstrued as being BAD.
so don't worry,

you recovered fast admittedly
you have settled down
probably better than what could have been
you will continue through the process
with many responsibilities in your bare hands,

to this far, things are alright
therefore syukur, alhamdulillah, thank God, Amin.


and of course now you can cook better
...... :)  beyond ayam kicap
and beyond kowteau upgrade
and make food licking good

and set  your dream right.
and see the dream through

and be happy....

It's not easy too on my part at the beginning
the worst is the lingering guilt feeling
for allowing another to go through desolate phase
while I was then coping through an unprecedented journey
and it took a number of years to sooth guilt feeling
and making the new journey workable..........

Yes, of course we keep looking back
to understand and give meanings to happenings.


and lastly

you know anything about GST?





............ dienn.

Ransom on lives

to hold

on something precious,
- a secret,
bringing lives into chaos
as humanity
sinks to the bottom of sanity.

a delicate sabotage of recent 370 flight,
viewed as package of strategies,
to tilt equilibrium,
on economic and security scales,
on egoistic venture too,
over blue water or red land......

and can the distinction appear clear
of economy, politics, and personal pursuit
to wipe all clean for survival.
I wouldn't know....

But my dear
I read what you wrote
over what you had been through.
Now that we are following certain Routes
in a way identical, and yet different.

It would be easy to let in
elements of remorse and vengeance
in routes we are taking.
But for safety of many
shall we let past be past
however bitter it could be.

For not letting myself be known after so many years,
beyond what you already knew
and what I had shared
however little, my dearest friend
- feelings, minds, and thoughts.
I seek apology, sorry...., if that is forever necessary


There were crossroads I had come across
and routes I had taken
that were not all sweet and rosy.
Believe me, we are in similar route now,
to be thankful with journey we are in
and the future that lies ahead.
from One and Only we should seek blessings.

to keep revisiting the past
may cause needless pain and sadness
but there are lessons all over
if we choose to do so........
and what I wrote and will write
which connects past, present and future
are not  meant to be hurting,
in fact to ensure some sense of sanity
Realism in the world we are living in.....
breaking dreams into some degree of reality.
both bearable and manageable
as we get on with friendship.


I can assure you
that I had never play ransom on lives.....




.................................... dienn.

The list

I wouldn't argue with your list,
and for the moment

list

I will settle with a shorter list

a husband to Ummi
a father to lienn and rienn
a brother to the rest
a son to Mum and Dad
a fierce boss of a few companies....
a good cook for fish head curry
and a poor singer
(trying hard to sing Adele's - someone like you)



... dienn.

how do you feel?

Oh,
how do you feel
coming home from work,

the little one would smile
and tease you in the way
you could never teach.

The laughter, the cry and the smile
will sum up the mood
and the bond.

and it slowly strengthen
the world of motherhood.



.... dienn

Top-down and Bottom-up, where do we balance the two.

I wouldn't dare to describe the two
in it's whiteness and blackness
and be precise at the same time
which on to use.

I would rather look at the two
as being dependant, very much inclusive
and the two exist in some sort of pendulum
being able to sway up and down
very cyclic, very harmonic.

There are times when things had to be very tight
it's a clear top-down manoeuvre
when the chance appear that requires immediate grab
when there is no seconds to be wasted.

And we fully understand about ideas coming from them
energizing their thinking skills and teamwork
creating some sort of loyalty
greasing the teamwork for better performance.

On hindsight, after years of involvement
where progress and profit matters
we do blend the two somehow
like  melody to the song
like rainbow on the sky

and the ability to switch and sway
over the two approaches
is very much experiential

My dear, their inclusive existence
is a matter of options
and we can never go wrong
if the awareness about potentials and pitfalls
is well rooted.



..... dienn.

what's there to forget

we are the product of happenings
of yesterday and before yesterday
we are what we are today
over routes we had taken

If it wasn't due to yesterdays
we could have been someone else,
beyond our dream and measure
There's no telling what the eventual
going to be..



... dienn

open heart

opening heart
no grudges
no ill feelings
accepting all
as takdir

lets move on with today
carrying along yesterdays
and focusing on tomorrows....


... dienn

phases of life

oh dear
how many phases
do we have to go through
as time moves forward.

and that will include
things within our own plan
and things out of our hands.

but we should take everything
and be thankful
to the tide of events.

and how would we know
the silver linings
over the big sky
the day before.


..... dienn.

Defining WHY and WHY

it's the total sum of steps

taken to arrive

which ever way 

we choose to go.

it's also about the total benefits

either way,

negative and positive

it's also about the aggregate of mood

being happy and it's opposite

as we move on

it's also about accepting

as we measure the appropriateness

on a scale yet to be defined.

finally it's whatever we treasure

that will evolve and grow

as long as we allow.

with the grasp of comprehension.

....... dienn

i told you once.

in such little world
we will get back
to yesterdays
as we prepare tomorrows
and i know
we will laugh
at each other
as we walk
and carry the bag of yesterdays.

za, nak pi Sabah?.., atau nak tunggu segar-segar sikit.

walk through wood

It was silence  
as I walk through wood
audible only the breaking of leaves
and my own breath.


There
the realisation that I am alive
among the many lives and deaths
embodied within the plane
of Oneness.

The closeness

Is it reciprocity I wonder,
or a pure mutuality
of the two souls
I, a learning dad
she, a growing daughter.

For having to be away often
on responsibility not forsaken
on assignments to be driven
and she learns about the absence.

An effort to cope with relationship
developing the familiarity and kinship
as I downgrade my vocabulary
for an adventure I reserve no worry

I am beginning to learn
within that split second shift
between eyes and lips
of how she pushes emotional signal
through her two lovely eyes
followed a second later by the beautiful lips
as she assembled little words
as she yelled out loud
as she invited me
as she seek attention
through the journey of closeness

and now I am the learner.....



________________
dienn,
I learn to stay
________________

opportunities, three times.

Was it an accident that you bump into me early on. Yes it was two thousand six. You were young, still in school and I was in self imposed exile, repositioning myself after a bout of emotional turmoil. It was standard correspondence between a person and another. Nothing more nothing less.

Then it became a necessity, and we communicated daily, and that also was normal from a person to another. It was the continuous familiarity that somehow evolved stronger, still a normal friendship. I was quite frank earlier on about the two important elements in my life.   Our relationship bloomed further. There moments for withdrawal but the love engine was in full gear.

1

Firstly about a person that had to go separate ways, mkckzpn had to look after her career and the package that came with it.  A  career, another man with royal ties, and a proposal. I was bitter then for mum and dad refusing to go for a fresh proposal.  I went over to Sabah for a decent exit and a nursing stint for injured soul. Luck was on my side for the quick recovery, having understanding  friends, Gilbert, Albert and a few more, and a rapid developing business.  Then when I mentioned about my sister's friend, you didn't wait long to say it should ended here and now.

2

and yet friendship continued longer. Somewhere along the way I mentioned about everybody's wish to see me with sister's friend. They thought they were doing me a favour. Dad, Mum, sisters, brothers and the toughest is my very own younger sister, all ganged up to see it through. Again, you thought it was best to say goodbye. I felt sorry for everybody, you yourself, herself and myself. Didn't you remember that lasted for a few days..., and we hanged on to the unstoppable friendship. It was love as we saw it.

3

and finally when I was around for the convocation, seeing you being so happy with the rest of the family. I chose not to declare for obvious reason. It could make the matter worse bringing you along a tough lane. i am sorry not to end your joyous feeling with something more memorable. I chose to keep to myself and felt so bad. I know I hurt you  for not keeping the promise. But that would probably be the best thing I could do......... I knew you sensed something was not very right. The whole   LLLPPP  added to the turmoil. I knew you felt helpless. I hope you can rest assured that it couldn't come from me.  If I was ever with the slightest dirty shrewd mind, you could by now see those at every corner of the whole world wide web. Nope. I never break the limit of decency and respect.

finally,

then there was an .accident i never told you. that brought me down, unable to walk for weeks. There was a long pause, a real break. It was bad of me to bring you along the devastating emotional journey. But I always believe in you being able to get out of the turmoil, safe. 

For whatever that we had gone through, is a milestone in the long journey. We do learn a few things along the way. To a certain point, at hindsight I believe that our relationship manage to keep you contained and safe during varsity days. 

About sister's friend, she is alright but a lot closer to my sister than to me. I have made attempts to close up the gap, but I suppose my injured soul is too hardened to change.  Certain things changed when the little one appeared.  We remain respecting one another, while making efforts to close up the gap. I think the little one has unknowingly helped us through.

Dearest, I wish you luck, and please love him as much as you can. I am trying with mine. Kak N has been patient enough to allow developmental space. Mckzpn has her trailer to busy about and we are in good term.   With you it's different, I don't wish to add salt to wound.........


This would probably be the last blog post. I don't know.....  If you think about it carefully, there is nothing to feel bad and sorry about. It will remain in the many pages of LIFE, and can never be deleted.

Lirik Lagu Jangan Tinggal Daku - P.Ramlee
Jangan tinggal dakuOh adik oh juwitaKanda sedang rinduPada mu yang manis jelita
Hanya dikau seorangOh bintang oh pujaanTempat kasih sayangHarapan di masa hadapan
Andai dinda pergiDaku teman tiadaMeratap sunyiHampa merana
O o o jangan tinggal dakuO dewi O maniskuKanda rindu selaluSenyuman yang manis bermadu
Andai dinda pergiDaju teman tiadaMeratap sunyiHampa merana
O o o jangan tinggal dakuO dewi O maniskuKanda rindu selaluSenyuman yang manis bermadu

Sharing a little bit of me.

How come?....

I ask myself

as we make our first million

through collective efforts among comrades

Albert was forever nice

even then, to bring us all down

to the earthly earth

about being righteous and sane.

I was less than perfect then

for limping against many years

of treating emotional pain and scars

myself, my way.

To think about it objectively

I assume full responsibility

that i could easily had gone the other way

being less earthly than i should

and flow along the tides or down the drain.

It falls onto that little signal

that we are made to survive against all odds

as we keep believing in God.

Even being harden by events

I never wish to see such repeats

for I never can confirm 

that I am able to handle myself

within the facade of ownself.
against avalanche of time
hitting again and again.