paha

that too
it's alright
dont worry

betis

dont worry
it's alright

the little one

I only have her
to see beyond eyes
to feel beyond senses
as she murmur the first word.

and its her eyes
your eyes
bringing forth the past
to the future.....

describing a thing

sometime we are lost for words
especially when we say something like this

really,really,really hard to explain! Its a 'brand' new to me.....

i wont argue

I wont argue
with fate
putting me within me
shielding sadness from happiness
but i love the little eyes...
because she can never understand

describe it

abang
ni
seni
la.....

susah nak cakap

terkepit

terkepit jari
dipintu....
bukan mengepit

wanting

nak...
nak apa?..
ok...
nanti kejap...
nak kemana..
ada la...

it's not easy

it's not easy
for you
and for me.

stomach

i love
the curve
of your tummy

teeth

early teeth
and she cried
and I have to take her
to the edge of time
and tell her stories
about moon and stars
about an auntie she will never understand.

kejap

abang
nanti kejap

tahi lalat

tanda
untuk
dia
mengenali
kita
dan sebaliknya.

Lebih-lebih lagi
bila tanda itu
lahir atas sebab tertentu.
milik bersama....

hidup

hidup ini
terganggu
jika landasan itu
kita warnai dengan
tangan yang hanya mahu bermusuh

you

I look up at the sky
I see the blueness of blue
I see clouds dancing sweetly
and I see you

the date

7/7/2007
12:38:32 PM

a magic word
appeared

Aja

Macam mana kerja?
Jelas tanggungjawab Aja?
Ada ruang untuk kreaviti?
Ada peluang untuk maju lagi?

sakit

waktu terlanggar
dinding kaca di KLIA

i will be there

i will be there
at 7.30

every morning.
to greet you zeen

atas dan bawah

good combination
blue at the top
red at the bottom
you chose for me

tuala putih

a time
for us
no one else

seluar

like a tracksuit
with string at the top
and i have seen that
too often

being tired

is to
exercise
to the maximum.

delete

even
when it has been deleted
again and again
just to safeguard you
your safety
and your integrity.

there is something
that can't be erased
that stays with me....

the little eyes
understand that
because I keep telling her.

rungut

tu la..
nape abg selalu tinggal...

you like it?

you are so good
at assembling letter Aa
in many forms
short and long
with such ecstasy

Thanks

for spending
long hours
accompanying me
driving and eating...

I was really down then.

aja

it's late
but
as always
one after another.

and you smile

did I

did i sorry
before you ask why
then i say watching a video
and you just laugh...

Tu la..

tu la
abang
suka cakap2
lepas tu....

the voice

sweet
and
confident

the nose

the beauty

the song

it's always
within me
ever and ever.
dealova... remember?

private

what is private
will never be public
as long as I live
what is secret
will never be made known
not within our span of years
forever and ever....

world

it's wide open
for you.....
my zeen

baca sambil lentuk

bukan 

itu 

caranya

dulu

waktu

masa

terhimpun

jadi

satu.......

true

It can never
be so
for the span of time
extending flexibility to breaking point.

But I keep seeing strand of hairs
over sweet lips.
as long as the tiny eyes
keep smiling
as long as I keep reminding her
about  her sweet mama.
about my own za....

love

you thought
it's love
that binds
marriage
my dear......

not necessarily.....
especially in a strong
traditional family
but should we complain....

comforting

how would we put it,
as a response to

"nanti jap..."

I just say

"cepat la.."

always

I sleep
with you
even when
you are
not around....

but you are never around.

tali kecil

it's not for me
and for you
to forget
even if we try

at 8

feel free
to drop by
at 8......

the little hands

yes,
she grabs my hand
in softest touch
seeking something
to cling on to

what do I have to do

to keep
worries
away
from everyone else
as I look at the stars
and talk to the moon.

ummi and mama

One day
She will get the chance
To see mama...
Ummi is whom she has,
Mama is whom she could have
And she will love both
Her ummi and mama...

the little eyes

the little eyes
smile at me,
but I wonder
if she realize
the efforts
i have to go through
putting sadness away
as long as I can...

her mother wont understand
because that's the way its meant to be...
me, looking happy within sadness
again and again.
It's never easy....
But its alright.

masak kicap ayam

just eat
enjoy
and
dont say a word....
can you?

on

sayang
go on
walk on
nothing will hurt you....

and lets look at the number.
magical!!

feel free

darling,
feel free
to come and read

dont

dont throw away the jeans
simply because you want to wear skirts
because jeans will not harm you
today, tomorrow, ever.....

you

you can be
as stern as you wish
but you are the sweetest
as I can see... within me within you.

once

sayang,
nyanyila
..ok.
lagu apa
dealova

it's you

It's you
that is most important
your future
Your happiness
your success
your well being...

purpose

It's a way
to communicate
with you
about your future

It may not be too important to you
but it helps in time of trouble
to view
and form meanings
and put perspective
in the most sensible way...

no need

In the effort to forget
there is no need to read
because in letting out words
I let it out free
as free as your spirit
as free as your hair

inner beauty

its the time
when happiness
spreads to the edge
on infinity

jump

I cant jump
into the river
because I cant swim
but you can....

Not a single day

Not a single day
Not a single minute
I can breath and walk
without you in mind

being singular

it's not the plurality of life
in fact it's the focal oneness
the singularity.
the uniqueness
the one
and one only...

Remembering

a glimpse
of happiness
as you split the hair
into equal halve
and walk along
on a quiet pathway
with me.
the moon will recall
what's said that night.
On the moment of truth.

yesterday

can
never
be
truer
because
tomorrow
is
never
near

colours

I put blue on the table
you put red by the side
I see smile on your face
the slightest
the sweetest.

turn

you turn to a side
and for a moment
i see the sweetness
of you
in a way
I have never seen before.

wavy

it was wavy
as you let it down
flowing over shoulder
the sweetness of you
as I softly push it aside
the softness of hair
wavy in beauty.

The hair

Even the wind
was playful that day
putting strands
over the sweet lips,

and the smile
is within me
forever.

The whiteness

White
as the essence of purity
was portrayed that day
as you nod and bow
as you turn and bend

on the overlap of DAY.

in the crowd

I was in the crowd
watching every mood
and I sense great happiness
and I am alright to a point
seeing everybody else being so happy
and you......

and it doesn't matter much
how I feel
because that is secondary.

Decency

is to protect
what's so sacred
between the two
to cherish
trusting every lines
and every dots
when ever
where ever

Torn

a piece of paper
torn into two
but we can still read
lines after lines
and the meaning remains the same.

hmmm.

nak
mengade.

dont worry about me

Don't worry
I can deal with it,
By hiding sadness with sorrow
And washing scars with rainbows.
.... I am alright.

One day, you will understand..
The abruptness of things.

please

please dont say it
you will make me cry

fullstop

How would we know
It would be best as full stop,
When it appears as comma,
When it evolves into brackets
Holding everything together.

sayang,

It is still WATER
Even when it swims in rivers,
Even when it remains cold in ice
Even when it rises to the sky
Even when it falls as rains
Even when it glides on cheeks as tears.
Its crystal clear....
A source of life, sayang..

inside

Open up
Dissect
And see

shedding tears,

An effort to absorb all sorrows,
Blending gratitude with abandonment,
Not willing to hurt anyone,
But love will hide scars,
And tone up the rest.

being grateful

To gracefully move on
Through moments and events
Without remorse
Without ill-feeling
Without doubt.

love

A part of us
That binds two souls,
Disregarding distance as physical constraint.

A dimension,
That soothes the bitterest pain,
Healing sorrows to greatest happiness.

A perpetual existence
That transcends all odds
Binding permanence into tranquility
To a point of no return,
Until light falls onto light,
Tick upon tick,
Binding yesterday, today and tomorrow,
To limitless timeliness being
So sacred, that even clouds will bow,
Even time will pause
To witness the intensity.

A permanent existence
Within
Inclusiveness.

a tick

Look closely
At the ticking of time,
And try hard
Mentally freezing
The avalanche of time.
There you see time swells,
To bursting point,
Swallowing in everything,
Including time itself,
And the seconds
And the tick.

Come

Come
and see for yourself.
If night is really dark
and day is very bright.
It's within us
to see
and understand
and change black to white.

emptiness

where is emptiness
when zero is still
a number
with certain value
and meaning.....

counting a thousand.

a day
followed
by another day,
we may want to count
but number gets too big
when it reaches a thousand.

mirror

I look at mirror
And see horror.
I look beyond
And hear oath sworn.
I look out
And see clouds
Dancing naked
With rainbows....

rewind

How can we rewind
And put Death before Birth.

it's aja

A little knock
Wakes the sleeping of night.
And put sense back to where
It was million days ago.
And the answer comes
Slow but sure
Is it you Aja....

moonlight

Shadowy,
Shielding beauty
To a point
Before sunlight
Kills beauty
And the naked truth.
I kiss the moonlight
And sleep with Beauty
Until truth opens up
And bare all secrets.

sun

It goes down
Just to return
The next day
With equal intensity
And zest...

return

To get back
Is to follow the route
Taken before.
But the signs
And landmarks may change.
Coming back may take longer.

imaginary line

It's always there
.. To get
.. Everyone
.. In control.

going beyond.

we don't generally
.. set out to create
.. complications
.. but as issue heaps
.. upon issue,
.. mind will deal with matter.

vehicle

is
to
take
us
to
the
destination.

respecting

the view
the feel
the rights
the choice
the future

inclusiveness

taking
in
most
things,
to put colors and all shades
to give meanings

helping hands....

to help

be brave

A virtue,
to be brave,
facing the big wide world.
..

the light.

The first candle
giving
out the most beautiful light,
should be ready for second light.
I know
You can handle second one better.
Good Luck...

staircase

To go up
and to get down.

smile

How can flower smile
as bee race to eventual death
within a day.
of friendship.
Nectar for pollination.

point of no return

The nakedness of truth
is as seductive
as the secret itself.

getting ready

The craziness to see stars
at the peak of daylight.
Just for a second,
For an hour
Eternity of time.

The river.

Come to me, cry the river,
the clearest of water
Will wash away doubts...
even pebbles will clap,
serenading the nakedness
of truth about to appear.

out there.

The truth is always out there.
With sun above,
And rain washing away secrets.
With clouds shading ecstasy
from anything else.

lalang

Lalu lalang menangis
Sambil meratap.
Kenapa aku dibakar
Sedang aku berkurun menutup bumi
Dari gersang terhakis.

being artistic

I put z at the last page,
Then I flick to the front
And write letter a.

I will put the rest of letters
in the middle.
For melodic sentence.

relating..

One exists on the premise,
That for some level of equilibrium,
Co-existence has to be tolerated.
For better or for worse.
Didn't I tell you
About climbing the sky
To paint it blue.
About diving into the sea,
To create ripples.
About hiking up mountains,
To paint them green.
Now, I still have some colours left.

I won't let them dry up..

stars.

I was looking at the stars.
Counting them.
Talking to them.
Asking if
I deserve a place.
Somewhere
Away from the limelight
Away from the blinding light.
Away from the glitters.
Of apparent stardom.
Should I rest somewhere
For a shade
With only
Naked truth
As friends.
Among mankind of today and tomorrow

a window

an opening to see things.....
So the date is 10.10.11
Such a nice number for a new window.
I will be somewhere there...

A help

It's
life,
to help
and
be helped.

not to worry

My presence
should not be
a cause for alarm.

I may not be the best person
on earth.
But I appreciate
the intricacy of life.
About failing and succeeding.
About doing good to mankind
About being friendly with the earth.
About being objective with life.
About helping out as much as I can.
About being responsible to society.
About being responsive to the rule of supply
and demand in economy.

But I could have given more.....

how can I forget.

About the strand of hairs blown by the wind.
About the green mark at the shirt.
About migraine disturbing econs paper.
About calls from filipina
About intense feelings
About a call in middle of sleep
About documents left in the hall not lost
About bugs choice to bite.
About monkeys and cows chasing.
About apparent first sem failure.
About excitement behind debates.
About purple kurung
About ambition and commitment.

And now 10 10 11 is coming, to make it
even more memorable.

yesterday, today , tomorrow

They are saying these:-

-Truth is yesterday
-Today is truth about to appear
-Tomorrow is truth fairly uncertain.

A help

It's life,
to help
and be helped.

nothing to worry.

Every one will be happy for you...

The fact that I will be there somewhere in
the crowd, should not be a cause for alarm.
Didn't I tell you about coming to the convo?
Yeah, but I know how to behave. Don't worry.
Be yourself, natural and sweet.

Now

is
here.
And 10.10.11 is also NOW
Depending on where you stand in a long timeline.
Please.., don't worry about anything else, it's
you that's most important
-I will be somewhere within the massive crowd, as
promised years ago.

terpijak kain

Tak pernah tenguk orang terpijak kain,

 kemudian terjatuh atau terlondeh. 

Agaknya kita tak boleh gopoh..

take good steps.

walk up and glide along nicely.... for a scroll.

driving.

Kenapa dia bawak kereta pelan sangat.
Either she is scared or too cautious..

she is alright.

She is alright...
And soon will get up the stage, get a scroll
, Coming down, beaming with smile and hug the love
Ones.....

I love looking at strand of hairs over the lips. And
there will be more as she jump in the air, with full excitement.

Yeap!!

Ada yang lena sepuas-puasnya

Lena

tak 

sedar-sedar

air kelapa

late night for her.

on customer

look after customer well

when it is free

memang seronok

bila makan free

work

nature of work

sleepy

ngantuk,

movie kemana,

selimut pun kemana.

movie time

options

nasi briani

nasi ayam kicap

skill memandu

bukan pulas steering saja.
Kena tau bubuh minyak
kena tau check angin
Kena tau isi angin
Kena tau check air dan engine oil
Kena ada feel kereta nak meragam.
Kena tau sental kereta bagi bersih.

layan Lap lebih

hari tu tolong orang yang terbabas kereta masuk parit. Budak muda drive... terketar-ketar dia kata, Entah, tadi terlebih layan Lap.

sikit punya ayat dia!

........ jgn pandu laju-laju........

Tak nak tido!

mana tau
sebab apa
tak nak tido!

Teringin sangat.

dahaga!!

The code is broken, the space is sweet

_______________________

__________________dienn

share your secret thoughts

Profits versus Losses

World can only exist on the condition that profits and losses don't outweigh each other too much, and tip the whole delicate balance. A little bit of loss should not be a cause for alarm. We cannot live only with daylight. Night is a time to rest, to rebuild, to get better the next day.

Wishing you a happy Birthday

may the future
be
bright
always...

remember this,
you are the greatest
you have everything to go far and high.

Deleting the blog

I am asking myself, should the blog stay or should it disappear quietly without fanfare. It must pass the test, of its affective effect. I don't want it to be a source of tears and pain, even though tears and pain can be safely put here with no harm. It's worthiness is on its spread of milestones, indicating events, little bumps and potholes along the never ending highway. There will be wear and tear, but the destination is clear, and the car is alright.

August

Convo

sabah

Its the starting point

of life.

and the waves

witnessed them all

the little things of life

the happiness

the sadness

everything

all.

about her

I 

worry

about

her.

in grasping the meaning of life,
about inching forward.
with clearer view
with bolder steps
without hanging on the past.

Being matured

Being mature

is 

to distinguish, 

to clarify,

to comprehend,

to assess, 

to plan,

to execute,

to look back,

to move forward,

 but

tears and laughter 

are things we bring along from childhood days
that will stay
and should never get in the way.

A friend in Miyagi

An associate, a friend, a confidante in a way.

He lost his wife and only daughter.  We stayed  for two days to lighten his burden. It was never easy to get there. It is tough for him to get out of the trauma. His eyes are all despair. He should be alright. He must.

Delete content and cache

It has been my practice to delete inbox, sent and draft in email just to be double sure. It is even better to delete browsing history, cache etc. We do that for online banking. We can do the same for many other things, especially on items we don't want to fall on wrong hands.

Being Alive

Sky is my roof, chill is my comfort. I am too far away for convenience. There are less developed regions that need my commitment and expertise, It's a mutual thing, I get what I want, they get what they want. Effectively the world should be better, when the gap between regions is made smaller.  I don't particularly like cold and chill, my nose will bleed. But it is alright.

Of course I will be back. I am always worried about emails, being less secured, always penetrable. About leaving computers without signing out or logging out, which is dangerous to the owner. Banks spend millions to let their system safe and secured. We should spare some extra seconds to do just that.

Here I am.

Where have I been?

Life is taking a different turn. There are things I had to do, and to see it done, I had to be there. Day in and day out. It was taxing and will stay that way until what's targeted is achieved. The sky is the roof, the chill is homely, I will never go, I am here to stay.